I sometimes ask myself why I have a blog.
Why do I keep it?
My blog is not about monetizing. It’s not even about gaining readers. It’s about having an outlet. A place to be real or silly or crazy. For me.
But then, I start to evaluate my use of it. How most of my words stay locked in my head for good. Always.
Most of my best ideas and thoughts get censored without making it to my fingers or even my lips. Why do I censor myself if this is a place for me?
My mind? She doesn’t want conflict. She doesn’t want hurt. She doesn’t want to cause any of these things. And she? Is the boss of me. Always has been.
It seems sometimes that I’m mute when I most want to speak. That I’m at a loss for words when all I want to do is speak out. That I’m gagged before I can even realize what happened.
It’s horrifying sometimes. Like I have someone inside me that is in control and pulling all the strings.
I have no idea how, but I’ve let loose more in Twitter and Pinterest. Maybe the 140 characters are easier to sneak by without the constant “delete” and “backspace” that make up most of my blog post writing moments. Or maybe that “Re-Pin” button is too quick for my mind to grasp and stop.
The politically correct individual that’s in charge of me is maddening. She feels like she’s torturing me most of the time. The totally different and fun and scary (sometimes, it’s the truth) REAL me gets locked away. Here’s where I become all lovey-dovey wife again. My husband? He takes her out to play. He doesn’t let the bitchy censor get her way. But how? He’s learned to plan without asking me first. And I am FOREVER grateful for that fact.
Me? I’ve gone snorkeling, I’ve ridden a helicopter, I’ve toured on a SEGWAY, I’ve jet-skied… SO much more… and? I’ve LOVED it. EVERY single second of it. If he’d listened to the censor bitch? I would have NO fun things to speak of.
What does this jumbled mess mean? I need to do things more. I need to stop letting the fear and the censorship rule my life. I’m 37. WOW, 37. So much to do. So little time.
So many things to say. So useless to censor.
Today? It’s Friday. And I’m wearing butterflies. And my toenails are painted dark gray. And I love it. Have a WONDERFUL weekend and don’t censor yourself. It’s not worth it.