Word Vomit

Confused Brain...

Confused Brain...

Such a horrible title for a post, I know. But it is truly what this is going to be. My mind seems to be filled with thoughts that don’t want to come loose and I just figured I’d lay them all out to see if they’ll let me be.

I pondered naming it something different, but really, word vomit is all it really is. Getting it all out to see if my head can settle and my shoulders can stop feeling like rocks for once.

I try to work on changing the things I don’t like about myself and even though I’ve never been able to lose all the weight or wake up just a little earlier so that I can do some cardio before breakfast, in my list of priorities, I try to work on the things I can handle. It is not uncommon for me to feel like a failure. How could I not? My ADD is severe to the point where losing interest is a part of life for me. My mind goes off in tangents constantly, firing off much faster than I can react.

But… Some things? Some things come easily to me. Even though most people would never know. I love easily and intensely. I hate intolerance. I cannot stand prejudices and I can put up a fight like you wouldn’t believe. I’m curious, to a fault. Please never mention anything to me that you don’t wish to explain or expand upon. I will hunt you down and make your life miserable until you tell me. I am sentimental, full of stress, smarter than you think; I can remember things you’d wish I forget. But at the same time, you’d be surprised at how much I can forgive.

I am different. I know everyone is. But for some of us? Those differences make others judge us harshly and jump to conclusions that are completely wrong and painful. The differences make me want to scream sometimes. I’m antisocial, I’m lazy and I take many everyday things much less seriously than those around me do.

I am weak in ways that make me angry and strong in many other ways. I am lucky. I am blessed. I am crazy and there are many things that would surprise you about me.

I am happily married and my husband is not only wonderful, but he also gets me. Sometimes, he gets me better than I get myself. It is wonderful and scary and there is nothing better. No, he’s not perfect, but neither am I. So, it’s perfect that we get each other and perfect that we love each other.

This isn’t exactly new for me. I’ve always felt different and out of place. The truth is that with time, I’ve learned to look past it all and cherish the different in me. But it’s hard. It’s especially hard when there are no words to explain what you’re feeling. When you’re desperate but there’s a knot in your throat that keeps sound from coming out. There’s a disconnect between your thoughts and your feelings and your mind and there is no way on Earth to tell anyone just what it is you’re feeling, what you’re thinking even. The connection is severed and the pain goes untreated.

It’s easier, I’ve found, for words to flow through writing. Easier, but not perfect. Just because I’m writing doesn’t mean the words are adequate to express what I’m thinking and feeling. There are words, which are a definite improvement, but they are not enough. My neck and shoulders are stiff and sore, my hands are too cold, my head hurts, my forehead hurts to the touch and my mind is confused, tired and annoyed.

So, that’s that for now… My brain has stalled and refuses to cooperate. My mind is requesting rest and the rest of me is just plain ready to move on. So, yes, let’s move on to True Blood and Game of Thrones…

Hate Music

Hate music was a topic amongst my husband and friends this past weekend. It has remained in my thoughts since then…

You should all be afraid. I’m writing a post about music. For anyone that knows me, that may be a scary prospect. I’m a child of the 80’s and terribly so. You would not be wrong to assume that in terms of music? My iPhone might as well be a walkman. OK, ok, a Discman. I was too much a child of the 80’s DURING the 80’s, so, that should be scary.

However, Hate Music knows no age, it knows no time and it most definitely knows no music genre. So, even though my personal taste (or lack thereof) and style will show in this post, it has nothing to do with what this is all about.

We all have our personal battles. Some are large, some are small and some days just getting out of bed is a triumph in itself. Music is more than just a soundtrack to our lives. Just like in movies, it can make a mood, it can break the mood, and it can set the mood. I’m a bit of a sentimental myself (let’s not comment on that, mmmmmkay?) and music can definitely help set my mood.

Hate music is a very special part of that. It doesn’t HAVE to be a song ABOUT hate. It means something different to every single person, but I’m sure most of us have that ONE song. That ONE song that we blast in the car when we’re angry and SCREAM AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS (was that just me? – never mind) to absolutely no one. The lyrics don’t necessarily HAVE to match the situation. As a matter of fact, a GOOD hate song can be molded to match our mood. Taken out of context to help us let go. It’s a release. It’s animal and it just ROCKS. It’s an empowering feeling to just let go.

I have more than one hate song. Depending on the mood, only one will be necessary or enough. On some occasions, a whole hate playlist is needed, and they all come out to play. But even though I have more than one, there is always THE one. THE common one that is always the first to be played, the first to be added and in some cases, the one that is placed on repeat all the way to work and back. Ahem. Yeah… obsessive much? Me? NO!

MY one true definite hate song definitely shows my age, but, it’s classic… My favorite hate song is…

Poison by Alice Cooper

Let’s just think about this for a minute. Is there ANY better hate song?! Yes, I know you will defend your own, but, hear me out here, have there EVER been better hate lyrics than:

“I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name”

Sigh. You don’t EVEN have to scream them at anyone! But, truthfully, this song has been with me since ’89, so, in some cases, I *may* have just sang them AT you. No hard feelings, right? 🙂

It’s perfect. Alice Cooper, in the words of one of my best friends, can make any song seem angry. It’s my go to song and it will start AND finish any hate song playlist.

But…there are other songs in that playlist. Let’s visit just a few today…

Just like a Pill by Pink

Outstanding lyrics? The whole song. However, if you need to know, just check out the chorus.

Run just as fast as I can

To the middle of nowhere

To the middle of my frustrated fears

And I swear you’re just like a pill

Instead of making me better, you keep making me ill.

Go ahead, scream it out loud for a moment, it will help!

Going back to the roots and changing it up?

Who will you run to? by Heart

This is a really outstanding HATE song. Come on?! Check some of the lyrics:

You’re not sure what you want to do with your life

But you sure don’t want me in it

Yeah you’re sure the life you’re living with me

Can’t go on one single minute

And there’s a new one waiting outside this door

And now it’s time to begin it…

And the chorus?!

Who will you run to when it all falls down?

Who’s gonna pick your world up off the ground?

Who’s gonna take away the tears you cry?

Who’s gonna love you baby as good as I?

I could go on! It’s a perfect song.

And in a side note, why are most hate songs about love? Because they fit? Because it’s mostly what we struggle with? I’m VERY happily married and it’s very weird that MOST of the time I use these hate songs, my worries have NOTHING to do with my darling husband. It’s strange, yes, but I can even make THOSE lyrics about something else. Don’t ask. 🙂

What? I know my songs show my age. But, what of it?! They are awesome songs. They work their magic and they’ve stood the test of time.


The Hand that feeds by Nine inch Nails

This one works from the beginning:

You’re keeping in step in the line

Got your chin held high and you feel just fine

‘cause you do what you’re told

But inside your heart it is black and it’s hollow and it’s cold

And it goes on. The chorus rocks, as does the rhythm itself.

As I said, it’s not about the lyrics (even when they ROCK) it’s a combination of the music and the lyrics and what it all means to you. It just works for you. And that’s all that matters. It’s a personal thing.

The last one I’m going to share is a double edged sword. Why? Because if you EVER want to just LAUGH at me for a good long while, you can just invite me over to your house to play Rock Band. I will sing until you throw me out. You will hate me, but you will laugh. And do you know when you will laugh the loudest?

When you ask me to sing the last hate song on my playlist that I’m sharing today…

Epic by Faith no more

Because, you know, me, kind of rapping? Is Epic-ly BAD. But this song, it’s like whoa. Some lyrics you say?

You want it all but you can’t have it

It’s in your face but you can’t grab it

I know. It’s different. But as I said, it’s not about the lyrics or even the song; it’s about what it does to you and how it makes you feel. Empowerment, baby! And, yes, I give you permission to laugh at imagining me singing that song. (Especially those of you that don’t NEED to imagine, since you’ve SEEN me!)

(Just in case you were wondering, it all goes back to Poison, ALWAYS!)

So, what is YOUR hate song? Oh, come on, you know you have one! It’s a mood, a feeling, a full out release that makes you feel alive and angry and like you can just tackle the world. Let’s tackle the world! Now excuse me while I go blast Poison again.

Feeling alone in a room full of people…

Image from asinglepointofview.com

We hear it all the time and, most of the time, we’re surprised at who we hear it FROM. Someone who seems to have it all together. Someone who exudes confidence and popularity. Someone who you look up to because she seems like such an extrovert, so sociable, so… NOT like YOU. And then you wonder… Is she really how you imagine her to be? Or do you just see her that way? Can she play it off so well that you (and most people around her) are tricked into believing that that is who she is? Is it possible that her house is not perfect? That she is afraid to talk to you? That she is feeling just as lonely as you are?

But how can that be? She has everything! She has it all! You have much to be thankful for, but you don’t have all that she has! You’re the one that is lacking, NOT her! How could that be?

I’m not a blogger, but I’m a blog-follower. I love all kinds of blogs and in time I’ve come to LOVE mommy bloggers. It’s ironic, yes, but it’s true. I thoroughly enjoy reading about their lives, sharing their joys and crying along with them when things just don’t go as planned. This past week, when a lot of my favorites were off at Blogher, I was living vicariously through them. Reading their tweets, looking forward to their pictures and recap blog posts. Part of me DREAMS of going to NYC next year and just fan-girling myself to all of those women I admire. As I read their tweets, it was great to realize how alike we really are. It’s wonderful to learn that this world of social media has brought so many very lovely, awkward women the opportunity to share their common ground to the point where we stand together, where a group of us can meet and greet each other with that little “I know who you are!” squee and receive a hug back from someone just as surprised as you.

It’s lovely because it gives me hope.

I’ve felt lonely a long time, many times in a room full of (LOVING) people. I’ve relied (heavily) on my husband for the support that I just so desperately wanted. And then, one lonely night, I was playing around in an internet forum. Just playing in the background, trying to be invisible in a place I’d been to every day for years. But this night was different, different because a wonderful woman spoke to me and said “Why don’t you come out and play?”. After that? I met what would become my backbone and (I’m sure) a relief to my overburdened husband. I never participated heavily, but just their presence calmed me. SOMEONE understood me! How I felt, what I was going through, why I felt the way I felt… And, even better, it was not just one person, but a group of very versatile, fun, funny, snarky, beautiful women who filled my life with understanding. Yes, on the internet. Women I now call friends. Isn’t it odd?

Readingabout all the Blogher experiences just gives me hope. Because I DO count those women I’ve met as friends. Many people would disagree, I’m sure. To many, the idea of meeting like minds that you can call “friends” online is still taboo. But I’ve become a believer. The support and community that can be created online is priceless. At times when I’m drowning and it feels like NO ONE can understand me, those women bring me back. I’ve learned you can love someone you’ve never met. You can pray for her, for her child, cry for her, feel your heart swell with happiness and pride at their joyous moments, feel it swell with sorrow when they are going through rough times. And it is real. And it is friendship and community. Even when you’ve never seen her face to face or held her hand.

Family is a gift! It’s beautiful and wonderful and the unconditional love is healing.

Friendships built in such common ground are just as beautiful and just as healing and can be filled with just as much love.

So, in the wonderful world of social media… We can be all alone in a room and still feel surrounded by a community full of loving people.