Word Vomit

Confused Brain...

Confused Brain...

Such a horrible title for a post, I know. But it is truly what this is going to be. My mind seems to be filled with thoughts that don’t want to come loose and I just figured I’d lay them all out to see if they’ll let me be.

I pondered naming it something different, but really, word vomit is all it really is. Getting it all out to see if my head can settle and my shoulders can stop feeling like rocks for once.

I try to work on changing the things I don’t like about myself and even though I’ve never been able to lose all the weight or wake up just a little earlier so that I can do some cardio before breakfast, in my list of priorities, I try to work on the things I can handle. It is not uncommon for me to feel like a failure. How could I not? My ADD is severe to the point where losing interest is a part of life for me. My mind goes off in tangents constantly, firing off much faster than I can react.

But… Some things? Some things come easily to me. Even though most people would never know. I love easily and intensely. I hate intolerance. I cannot stand prejudices and I can put up a fight like you wouldn’t believe. I’m curious, to a fault. Please never mention anything to me that you don’t wish to explain or expand upon. I will hunt you down and make your life miserable until you tell me. I am sentimental, full of stress, smarter than you think; I can remember things you’d wish I forget. But at the same time, you’d be surprised at how much I can forgive.

I am different. I know everyone is. But for some of us? Those differences make others judge us harshly and jump to conclusions that are completely wrong and painful. The differences make me want to scream sometimes. I’m antisocial, I’m lazy and I take many everyday things much less seriously than those around me do.

I am weak in ways that make me angry and strong in many other ways. I am lucky. I am blessed. I am crazy and there are many things that would surprise you about me.

I am happily married and my husband is not only wonderful, but he also gets me. Sometimes, he gets me better than I get myself. It is wonderful and scary and there is nothing better. No, he’s not perfect, but neither am I. So, it’s perfect that we get each other and perfect that we love each other.

This isn’t exactly new for me. I’ve always felt different and out of place. The truth is that with time, I’ve learned to look past it all and cherish the different in me. But it’s hard. It’s especially hard when there are no words to explain what you’re feeling. When you’re desperate but there’s a knot in your throat that keeps sound from coming out. There’s a disconnect between your thoughts and your feelings and your mind and there is no way on Earth to tell anyone just what it is you’re feeling, what you’re thinking even. The connection is severed and the pain goes untreated.

It’s easier, I’ve found, for words to flow through writing. Easier, but not perfect. Just because I’m writing doesn’t mean the words are adequate to express what I’m thinking and feeling. There are words, which are a definite improvement, but they are not enough. My neck and shoulders are stiff and sore, my hands are too cold, my head hurts, my forehead hurts to the touch and my mind is confused, tired and annoyed.

So, that’s that for now… My brain has stalled and refuses to cooperate. My mind is requesting rest and the rest of me is just plain ready to move on. So, yes, let’s move on to True Blood and Game of Thrones…

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