2013

It’s a New Year and, although right now I feel more like crying than rejoicing, I know it’ll pass. I’m a lucky girl.

My life is not what I imagined it would be. But, that’s not a bad thing. Just a readjustment of all my goals and a need to teach my heart and mind to appreciate that which I do have. I have a lot. I’m more than lucky.

Life is so fleeting. Wasting time acknowledging and giving way to the hate and pain are no good.

So, for 2013?

My only goal is to learn to enjoy the good and spend little time on suffering the bad. Wasting time when you’re 2 years from 40? Bad idea!

Plus? I need to start planning my 40th birthday bash! Two years is not enough time for that!

Thoughts

Life is insane.

 It lifts you up.

 It drops you from an airplane without a parachute, letting you land breathless and left for dead.

 It picks you up and nurses you back to health.

 Only to drop you in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by sharks, without rations and bleeding.

 It then takes your mangled body, dresses it up in a pink princess dress and drops you in a land filled with unicorns and flowers and butterflies.

 And then it drops you into the fiery pit of an active volcano.

 It’s crazy. When you think you have it all figured out. You’re happy. You’re growing. You’re doing positive things for yourself… That’s when it hits you, like a ton of bricks.

 The what if’s…

 The But I don’t have’s…

 The longing stare at someone else’s green green grass…

 The realization that it just will never be…

 And that’s when it gets interesting.

 HOW do you do it?

 How do you grow from it?

 How do you find balance and strength?

 How can you concentrate on being grateful for what you DO have?

 I have no answers.

 Just thoughts and questions.

 Just dreams and realities.

 That clash. That sing. That grow.

 Some exchanges are WELL worth it.

 But how do you get used to it?

 How do you silence that little voice that says: “But I want it. Why can’t I have it?”

Deep Thoughts – A less words Wednesday…

Thinking a lot today.

My skin feels almost mine. It hasn’t in a while. Most of the time, it feels like an uncomfortable suit that itches and weighs me down. Today? It’s more comfortable and it doesn’t feel as foreign.  

My heart is beating with expectation and wonder. I hope it’s a good sign. I need it to be.

Wow, March already!

I sometimes ask myself why I have a blog.

Why do I keep it?

My blog is not about monetizing. It’s not even about gaining readers. It’s about having an outlet. A place to be real or silly or crazy. For me.

 But then, I start to evaluate my use of it. How most of my words stay locked in my head for good. Always.

 Most of my best ideas and thoughts get censored without making it to my fingers or even my lips. Why do I censor myself if this is a place for me?

 My mind? She doesn’t want conflict. She doesn’t want hurt. She doesn’t want to cause any of these things. And she? Is the boss of me. Always has been.

 It seems sometimes that I’m mute when I most want to speak. That I’m at a loss for words when all I want to do is speak out. That I’m gagged before I can even realize what happened.

 It’s horrifying sometimes. Like I have someone inside me that is in control and pulling all the strings.

 I have no idea how, but I’ve let loose more in Twitter and Pinterest. Maybe the 140 characters are easier to sneak by without the constant “delete” and “backspace” that make up most of my blog post writing moments. Or maybe that “Re-Pin” button is too quick for my mind to grasp and stop.

 The politically correct individual that’s in charge of me is maddening. She feels like she’s torturing me most of the time. The totally different and fun and scary (sometimes, it’s the truth) REAL me gets locked away. Here’s where I become all lovey-dovey wife again. My husband? He takes her out to play. He doesn’t let the bitchy censor get her way. But how? He’s learned to plan without asking me first. And I am FOREVER grateful for that fact.

 Me? I’ve gone snorkeling, I’ve ridden a helicopter, I’ve toured on a SEGWAY, I’ve jet-skied… SO much more… and? I’ve LOVED it. EVERY single second of it. If he’d listened to the censor bitch? I would have NO fun things to speak of.

 What does this jumbled mess mean? I need to do things more. I need to stop letting the fear and the censorship rule my life. I’m 37. WOW, 37. So much to do. So little time.

 So many things to say. So useless to censor.

 Sigh.

 Today? It’s Friday. And I’m wearing butterflies. And my toenails are painted dark gray. And I love it. Have a WONDERFUL weekend and don’t censor yourself. It’s not worth it.

Friday Fuzz.

 

Why is it that all I can see is the storm, when the rainbow is RIGHT THERE?

It’s so stressful. All of the ingredients for happiness are there. And yet, that one speck of darkness overshadows all of the beauty.

 

I want to will it away. I want to enjoy the beauty in the storm, to enjoy the rainbow and the lightning and the gorgeous scenery and the beautiful company.

 

The dark side still manages to win and push down all of the beauty and strength.

 

There is no way for me to get inspired and post.

 

I can enjoy. I can have nice moments. I can be happy playing with my husband. I can be ok while busy at work.

 

I sit to write? All the sadness overflows, the storm clouds show and I’m left with nothing but rain.

 

The anxiety is there every single minute. But while I’m busy? I can forget it. I sit down to do something healing and it just shows, full strength.

 

I am lucky. I am blessed. I love. I am IN love. I should be happy.

 

Why can’t I make it connect? Why can’t I will it to be true?

 

The weekend will be easier. I will be with my husband.

 

I will put up some little quickie posts and then Monday night is Breaking Dawn.

 

I need to get this under control and soon.

 

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