Friday Fuzz.

 

Why is it that all I can see is the storm, when the rainbow is RIGHT THERE?

It’s so stressful. All of the ingredients for happiness are there. And yet, that one speck of darkness overshadows all of the beauty.

 

I want to will it away. I want to enjoy the beauty in the storm, to enjoy the rainbow and the lightning and the gorgeous scenery and the beautiful company.

 

The dark side still manages to win and push down all of the beauty and strength.

 

There is no way for me to get inspired and post.

 

I can enjoy. I can have nice moments. I can be happy playing with my husband. I can be ok while busy at work.

 

I sit to write? All the sadness overflows, the storm clouds show and I’m left with nothing but rain.

 

The anxiety is there every single minute. But while I’m busy? I can forget it. I sit down to do something healing and it just shows, full strength.

 

I am lucky. I am blessed. I love. I am IN love. I should be happy.

 

Why can’t I make it connect? Why can’t I will it to be true?

 

The weekend will be easier. I will be with my husband.

 

I will put up some little quickie posts and then Monday night is Breaking Dawn.

 

I need to get this under control and soon.

 

Word Vomit

Confused Brain...

Confused Brain...

Such a horrible title for a post, I know. But it is truly what this is going to be. My mind seems to be filled with thoughts that don’t want to come loose and I just figured I’d lay them all out to see if they’ll let me be.

I pondered naming it something different, but really, word vomit is all it really is. Getting it all out to see if my head can settle and my shoulders can stop feeling like rocks for once.

I try to work on changing the things I don’t like about myself and even though I’ve never been able to lose all the weight or wake up just a little earlier so that I can do some cardio before breakfast, in my list of priorities, I try to work on the things I can handle. It is not uncommon for me to feel like a failure. How could I not? My ADD is severe to the point where losing interest is a part of life for me. My mind goes off in tangents constantly, firing off much faster than I can react.

But… Some things? Some things come easily to me. Even though most people would never know. I love easily and intensely. I hate intolerance. I cannot stand prejudices and I can put up a fight like you wouldn’t believe. I’m curious, to a fault. Please never mention anything to me that you don’t wish to explain or expand upon. I will hunt you down and make your life miserable until you tell me. I am sentimental, full of stress, smarter than you think; I can remember things you’d wish I forget. But at the same time, you’d be surprised at how much I can forgive.

I am different. I know everyone is. But for some of us? Those differences make others judge us harshly and jump to conclusions that are completely wrong and painful. The differences make me want to scream sometimes. I’m antisocial, I’m lazy and I take many everyday things much less seriously than those around me do.

I am weak in ways that make me angry and strong in many other ways. I am lucky. I am blessed. I am crazy and there are many things that would surprise you about me.

I am happily married and my husband is not only wonderful, but he also gets me. Sometimes, he gets me better than I get myself. It is wonderful and scary and there is nothing better. No, he’s not perfect, but neither am I. So, it’s perfect that we get each other and perfect that we love each other.

This isn’t exactly new for me. I’ve always felt different and out of place. The truth is that with time, I’ve learned to look past it all and cherish the different in me. But it’s hard. It’s especially hard when there are no words to explain what you’re feeling. When you’re desperate but there’s a knot in your throat that keeps sound from coming out. There’s a disconnect between your thoughts and your feelings and your mind and there is no way on Earth to tell anyone just what it is you’re feeling, what you’re thinking even. The connection is severed and the pain goes untreated.

It’s easier, I’ve found, for words to flow through writing. Easier, but not perfect. Just because I’m writing doesn’t mean the words are adequate to express what I’m thinking and feeling. There are words, which are a definite improvement, but they are not enough. My neck and shoulders are stiff and sore, my hands are too cold, my head hurts, my forehead hurts to the touch and my mind is confused, tired and annoyed.

So, that’s that for now… My brain has stalled and refuses to cooperate. My mind is requesting rest and the rest of me is just plain ready to move on. So, yes, let’s move on to True Blood and Game of Thrones…

Another Wordless Wednesday

Me! Monday #2

I'm just sort of hiding.

This is one of those vague-but not really- kind of posts.

As I work on me, it may sound like all I’m doing is being selfish, selfish and more selfish. If anything, one of the things I’m sick of IS being selfish. Being self involved, surrounded by nasty self pity, keeping myself alone and wallowing in that pit of despair without looking up to *really* appreciate how blessed I am… All of that? It kept -keeps – me isolated. It’s a sickness. And it sucks.

Sadly, even becoming aware of some of the issues does not help me deal with them. Of course, I’m thankful for being more aware, but I’m not sure I have what it takes to promote the change. I feel weak against the onslaught of emotions that would result from making all the changes that would be required. I know I could start small, work my way out. Truly? I’m not even sure I’m up for even that. Yet.

The weight on my chest that makes it hard to take a real, necessary DEEP breath? It’s still there. I’m forced to take shallow breaths.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, I’m being selfish and stupid. I know that I’m LUCKY. I know all of that.

It’s still hard. Knowing really doesn’t help change how I feel. Knowing doesn’t make my pain any easier. It just fills my heart with another layer of pain – guilt. As I’m working on myself, I’m trying to scrape those layers off. Trying to get to the raw center and cause of the intense pain. Yet, it’s not easy. For every two steps forward? It feels as if I am forced/pushed at least one step back.

When I was growing up, I made plans for my future. What I wanted to do, where I wanted to go and of course, what it would take to get there. I second guessed myself a lot, but, I worked towards those goals anyway. I was blessed to have a family who loved and believed in me and helped me get to where I needed to be. But, you know what? Some plans? They weren’t so hard! While some things required planning, hard work, studying, etc, etc. Others? In my mind, they were a given. They would just BE. No one ever NEEDED to plan for THOSE. I’d seen it! That’s how it was! Those? They would just BE! And those? They were the definition of what I wanted for my future. Of what I was sure I was born to be. Big words. What I thought I was born to be. So, if I’m not that. Who am I? Everything else? Was supposed to be preparation. Getting ready.

But life? Silly thing. It really doesn’t care what plans you make. Life? It plans itself for you. And… What do you do when life has something totally different planned? Well, in my case? I became angry. I don’t like anger, so it became sadness. Pain. Extreme pain. And guilt.

I became a tantruming 13 year old. Locked in my room because I couldn’t, wouldn’t get my way. Honestly, I don’t even know what life has planned for me. I covered my ears and closed my eyes and I just keep repeating “I don’t care what it is! I had my plans! I want THIS! Everyone, even without asking, even without wanting it, gets THIS! THIS is what I want. Give it to me! NOW!” over and over. It felt like torture. And, locked in that place? All I saw was others getting IT. Easily, even hard. But always, always passing me by. And the pain? It grew to monumental proportions.

And now? I’m trying to uncover my ears, open my eyes and listen. I’m trying to look. I’m trying to see what life really has in store for me. I’m fighting that voice in the back of my head. The voice that says “no matter what it is, it will NEVER be as good as what you wanted”. I’m fighting it. Being locked in that tantrum? It only allowed life to pass me by. It made me miss out on so many wonderful things. So many blessings that I do have. It strained relationships, it made me stay in the anger cycle. It was unhealthy.

Now? I’ll be honest, I’m scared. I am afraid that I’ll just slip back and miss this chance. I’m scared that I won’t have many more chances. But… I’m working on that fear and I’m trying to use it. I’m trying to allow the truth to shine through. I may not love what I’ll find. I’ll be prejudiced to believe that my way was the only way. But, in being open, I have to believe that a different path may be better. No, that in the long run, it WILL be better.

Now? I need to be patient with myself. It’s not easy for me. I can be patient with others. Not so much with myself. And I need to be open to learning and accept that throughout this process, not everyone will understand. I’m being more open for the first time. In doing so, I’m allowing others to be spectators, others who have opinions. Others who will misinterpret my thoughts and actions. Others who clearly don’t understand where I’m coming from.

So. Why do it? Why allow myself to be exposed through this harsh, painful process? Well, that answer is easy. Two reasons. Number one is purely selfish. The reason I’m on this path is because someone took the time to notice that I was headed towards disaster. Sharing this? It brings support and help from totally unexpected sources. I need and want that. Number two is less selfish. If by writing this I can help just one person know they are not alone, I will have payed it forward. That also makes it all worthwhile.

There are two other reasons. If I will be honest. Those who misunderstand? They mostly mean well. Two? I would like to be able to come back someday and know where I was.

I think that’s it for this Monday. That was quite an emotional post. I’ll just end it with a few quotes. Just so you see what I’m working with.

“When you refuse to pay attention to what life is saying to you, life will make its point very clear. Life wants us to be aware of ourselves so we can make the necessary adjustments to live more harmoniously.”

“You do not have to like what is going on in your life, but you must accept that it, whatever it is, is going on. As long as you do not accept reality, you are powerless to define the role you will play. Failure to accept reality is a denial of your power to make a conscious choice. When you do not choose, you live by default.”

“Acceptance is knowing that no matter what, everything is and will be just fine.”

“Accepting a thing does not mean you approve of what is going on.”

“Acceptance means you are able to withdraw the emotional attachment just long enough to really see what is happening.”

“When you accept the reality of your life, thereby demonstrating your willingness to make a conscious choice, you honor the wisdom, strength, and tenacity of the divine spirit within you.”

Just another lovely Saturday

There are lots and lots of things going on. I’m trying to grow, to be brave, to have faith and I’m trying to help myself heal.

Today, it’s a lovely Saturday. Early rise with my husband, just lazily waking up, making a yummy breakfast, watching some Spartacus :), waiting, praying, reading, laughing, sighing, a little crying, and you know, just all around living.

So, in order to make this day a little more light-hearted and still posting, because, you know, I have to have my record breaking week, 🙂 I’m stealing an idea from Mandy. She’s smart and fun and she’s got quite a sense of humor. Plus, she says that some day she’ll come to Puerto Rico and we’ll torture our husbands by putting us all together in a room to talk and laugh and drink and eat. So, who wouldn’t love that? Plus, she’s quite a writer, so head on over to her blog and have some laughs reading how Nancy Lopez tried to kill her among some other quite fun stories.

But, as usual, I digress, a few days ago, she posted this nifty little alphabet post and I immediately knew I wanted to try it. So, that’s what you’ll get today.

Oh, oh, OHHH! but before I start, let me share a secret… I’m working on ANOTHER post… 🙂 Why? Because I won, I won, I won!!! My amazing, beautiful, kind, runner (yes, I have friends who run, even though I barely stand from the couch, yes, I know) and one kick-ass support system friend Serendipitie gave me the honor of surrounding me with some other kick-ass women and gave us a Good Egg Award! But, that post requires a LOT of thinking, so, I’ll work on it and share later. Still, I need to thank her! If you want to know who she is, and believe me, you DO, head on over to her blog.

So, that’s it for me singing some of my friends’ praises for today 🙂

Here’s a little alphabet of me!
A. Age: 36 I’m not ashamed to say it! Although, I REALLY don’t FEEL 36.

B. Bed size: Queen (our rooms are tiny!) and one Double)

C. Chore you hate: All of them. If I had to choose, I’d still choose all of them. I LOVE to cook, HATE to do dishes. Also, I can keep a tidy house. But clean? That’s another story. 🙂

D. Dogs: None. I’m not a pet owner.

E. Essential start to your day: Do FB, Twitter, Tumblr count? I mean, no… A shower. And coffee.

F. Favorite color: Purple!

G. Gold or silver: Silver, white gold.

H. Height: 5’5

I. Instruments you play: None.

J. Job title: QA Specialist.

K. Kids: None. Nieces and Nephews I adore.

L. Live: Puerto Rico

M. Mom’s name: Delia

N. Nicknames: Marilu, Mariluh, Luh, Lula, Mari

O. Overnight hospital stays: None.

P. Pet peeve: I have a few. The main one? Prejudices.

Q. Quote from a movie: “Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you. ” (Do you know where it’s from, I’m SURE my sister Tereh knows… :))

R. Right or left handed: Right

S. Siblings: Tereh, Delih, Pao. Ok, real names Maria Teresa, Maria Delia, Pablo Jaime.

T. Time you wake up: 5:00 AM. EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

U. Underwear: Cutesy, no g-strings.

V. Vegetables you dislike: Beets? I can’t believe this is a hard question to answer!

W. What makes you run late: I have some sort of ADD. I always make myself (and my husband) run late. EVEN when I get up early and start getting ready early. I get SOOO easily distracted, time gets away from me.

X. X-Rays you’ve had: With how many TIMES I’ve fallen, it is remarkable that I haven’t had many. My ankle, My ribs. That’s it!

Y. Yummy food you make: Lasagna, Piñon (basically a ripe plantain shepherd’s pie or lasagna type dish), Anything Pasta and I LOVE to bake. Ask me to make you chewy oatmeal cookies. 🙂

Z. Zoo: I’ve not been to a zoo in, I can safely say, decades. That should be corrected…

So, some answers that Mandy would probably unfriend me for… But, I think I’m safe, mostly. 😉

Again, thank you for reading. Life is good.

Previous Older Entries Next Newer Entries