Another Wordless Wednesday

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Me! Monday #2

I'm just sort of hiding.

This is one of those vague-but not really- kind of posts.

As I work on me, it may sound like all I’m doing is being selfish, selfish and more selfish. If anything, one of the things I’m sick of IS being selfish. Being self involved, surrounded by nasty self pity, keeping myself alone and wallowing in that pit of despair without looking up to *really* appreciate how blessed I am… All of that? It kept -keeps – me isolated. It’s a sickness. And it sucks.

Sadly, even becoming aware of some of the issues does not help me deal with them. Of course, I’m thankful for being more aware, but I’m not sure I have what it takes to promote the change. I feel weak against the onslaught of emotions that would result from making all the changes that would be required. I know I could start small, work my way out. Truly? I’m not even sure I’m up for even that. Yet.

The weight on my chest that makes it hard to take a real, necessary DEEP breath? It’s still there. I’m forced to take shallow breaths.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, I’m being selfish and stupid. I know that I’m LUCKY. I know all of that.

It’s still hard. Knowing really doesn’t help change how I feel. Knowing doesn’t make my pain any easier. It just fills my heart with another layer of pain – guilt. As I’m working on myself, I’m trying to scrape those layers off. Trying to get to the raw center and cause of the intense pain. Yet, it’s not easy. For every two steps forward? It feels as if I am forced/pushed at least one step back.

When I was growing up, I made plans for my future. What I wanted to do, where I wanted to go and of course, what it would take to get there. I second guessed myself a lot, but, I worked towards those goals anyway. I was blessed to have a family who loved and believed in me and helped me get to where I needed to be. But, you know what? Some plans? They weren’t so hard! While some things required planning, hard work, studying, etc, etc. Others? In my mind, they were a given. They would just BE. No one ever NEEDED to plan for THOSE. I’d seen it! That’s how it was! Those? They would just BE! And those? They were the definition of what I wanted for my future. Of what I was sure I was born to be. Big words. What I thought I was born to be. So, if I’m not that. Who am I? Everything else? Was supposed to be preparation. Getting ready.

But life? Silly thing. It really doesn’t care what plans you make. Life? It plans itself for you. And… What do you do when life has something totally different planned? Well, in my case? I became angry. I don’t like anger, so it became sadness. Pain. Extreme pain. And guilt.

I became a tantruming 13 year old. Locked in my room because I couldn’t, wouldn’t get my way. Honestly, I don’t even know what life has planned for me. I covered my ears and closed my eyes and I just keep repeating “I don’t care what it is! I had my plans! I want THIS! Everyone, even without asking, even without wanting it, gets THIS! THIS is what I want. Give it to me! NOW!” over and over. It felt like torture. And, locked in that place? All I saw was others getting IT. Easily, even hard. But always, always passing me by. And the pain? It grew to monumental proportions.

And now? I’m trying to uncover my ears, open my eyes and listen. I’m trying to look. I’m trying to see what life really has in store for me. I’m fighting that voice in the back of my head. The voice that says “no matter what it is, it will NEVER be as good as what you wanted”. I’m fighting it. Being locked in that tantrum? It only allowed life to pass me by. It made me miss out on so many wonderful things. So many blessings that I do have. It strained relationships, it made me stay in the anger cycle. It was unhealthy.

Now? I’ll be honest, I’m scared. I am afraid that I’ll just slip back and miss this chance. I’m scared that I won’t have many more chances. But… I’m working on that fear and I’m trying to use it. I’m trying to allow the truth to shine through. I may not love what I’ll find. I’ll be prejudiced to believe that my way was the only way. But, in being open, I have to believe that a different path may be better. No, that in the long run, it WILL be better.

Now? I need to be patient with myself. It’s not easy for me. I can be patient with others. Not so much with myself. And I need to be open to learning and accept that throughout this process, not everyone will understand. I’m being more open for the first time. In doing so, I’m allowing others to be spectators, others who have opinions. Others who will misinterpret my thoughts and actions. Others who clearly don’t understand where I’m coming from.

So. Why do it? Why allow myself to be exposed through this harsh, painful process? Well, that answer is easy. Two reasons. Number one is purely selfish. The reason I’m on this path is because someone took the time to notice that I was headed towards disaster. Sharing this? It brings support and help from totally unexpected sources. I need and want that. Number two is less selfish. If by writing this I can help just one person know they are not alone, I will have payed it forward. That also makes it all worthwhile.

There are two other reasons. If I will be honest. Those who misunderstand? They mostly mean well. Two? I would like to be able to come back someday and know where I was.

I think that’s it for this Monday. That was quite an emotional post. I’ll just end it with a few quotes. Just so you see what I’m working with.

“When you refuse to pay attention to what life is saying to you, life will make its point very clear. Life wants us to be aware of ourselves so we can make the necessary adjustments to live more harmoniously.”

“You do not have to like what is going on in your life, but you must accept that it, whatever it is, is going on. As long as you do not accept reality, you are powerless to define the role you will play. Failure to accept reality is a denial of your power to make a conscious choice. When you do not choose, you live by default.”

“Acceptance is knowing that no matter what, everything is and will be just fine.”

“Accepting a thing does not mean you approve of what is going on.”

“Acceptance means you are able to withdraw the emotional attachment just long enough to really see what is happening.”

“When you accept the reality of your life, thereby demonstrating your willingness to make a conscious choice, you honor the wisdom, strength, and tenacity of the divine spirit within you.”

Just another lovely Saturday

There are lots and lots of things going on. I’m trying to grow, to be brave, to have faith and I’m trying to help myself heal.

Today, it’s a lovely Saturday. Early rise with my husband, just lazily waking up, making a yummy breakfast, watching some Spartacus :), waiting, praying, reading, laughing, sighing, a little crying, and you know, just all around living.

So, in order to make this day a little more light-hearted and still posting, because, you know, I have to have my record breaking week, πŸ™‚ I’m stealing an idea from Mandy. She’s smart and fun and she’s got quite a sense of humor. Plus, she says that some day she’ll come to Puerto Rico and we’ll torture our husbands by putting us all together in a room to talk and laugh and drink and eat. So, who wouldn’t love that? Plus, she’s quite a writer, so head on over to her blog and have some laughs reading how Nancy Lopez tried to kill her among some other quite fun stories.

But, as usual, I digress, a few days ago, she posted this nifty little alphabet post and I immediately knew I wanted to try it. So, that’s what you’ll get today.

Oh, oh, OHHH! but before I start, let me share a secret… I’m working on ANOTHER post… πŸ™‚ Why? Because I won, I won, I won!!! My amazing, beautiful, kind, runner (yes, I have friends who run, even though I barely stand from the couch, yes, I know) and one kick-ass support system friend Serendipitie gave me the honor of surrounding me with some other kick-ass women and gave us a Good Egg Award! But, that post requires a LOT of thinking, so, I’ll work on it and share later. Still, I need to thank her! If you want to know who she is, and believe me, you DO, head on over to her blog.

So, that’s it for me singing some of my friends’ praises for today πŸ™‚

Here’s a little alphabet of me!
A. Age: 36 I’m not ashamed to say it! Although, I REALLY don’t FEEL 36.

B. Bed size: Queen (our rooms are tiny!) and one Double)

C. Chore you hate: All of them. If I had to choose, I’d still choose all of them. I LOVE to cook, HATE to do dishes. Also, I can keep a tidy house. But clean? That’s another story. πŸ™‚

D. Dogs: None. I’m not a pet owner.

E. Essential start to your day: Do FB, Twitter, Tumblr count? I mean, no… A shower. And coffee.

F. Favorite color: Purple!

G. Gold or silver: Silver, white gold.

H. Height: 5’5

I. Instruments you play: None.

J. Job title: QA Specialist.

K.Β Kids: None. Nieces and Nephews I adore.

L. Live: Puerto Rico

M. Mom’s name: Delia

N. Nicknames: Marilu, Mariluh, Luh, Lula, Mari

O. Overnight hospital stays: None.

P. Pet peeve: I have a few. The main one? Prejudices.

Q. Quote from a movie:Β “Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you. ” (Do you know where it’s from, I’m SURE my sister Tereh knows… :))

R. Right or left handed: Right

S. Siblings: Tereh, Delih, Pao. Ok, real names Maria Teresa, Maria Delia, Pablo Jaime.

T. Time you wake up: 5:00 AM. EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

U. Underwear: Cutesy, no g-strings.

V. Vegetables you dislike: Beets? I can’t believe this is a hard question to answer!

W. What makes you run late: I have some sort of ADD. I always make myself (and my husband) run late. EVEN when I get up early and start getting ready early. I get SOOO easily distracted, time gets away from me.

X. X-Rays you’ve had: With how many TIMES I’ve fallen, it is remarkable that I haven’t had many. My ankle, My ribs. That’s it!

Y. Yummy food you make: Lasagna, PiΓ±on (basically a ripe plantain shepherd’s pie or lasagna type dish), Anything Pasta and I LOVE to bake. Ask me to make you chewy oatmeal cookies. πŸ™‚

Z. Zoo: I’ve not been to a zoo in, I can safely say, decades. That should be corrected…

So, some answers that Mandy would probably unfriend me for… But, I think I’m safe, mostly. πŸ˜‰

Again, thank you for reading. Life is good.

Wordless Wednesday

Some see the glass half empty…

Beautiful Sunset

I took this pic on a field in Santa Isabel, Puerto Rico…Β  Some will quickly see the beautiful sunset.Β  Others will see the pretty green fields.Β  But most of us will see the huge pile of S#!T first…

Thought this would be a great analogy of life and how beautiful it can be if you look at it the right way.

 

Mini Vacation – Days 2 and 3

Ok, so, although it’s true that by now I deserve an all new mini vacation πŸ™‚ I really really really want to get all of this written down. This was an EPIC mini-vacation, people… Epic.

I know, it’s been months. I wish I could have some sort of excuse that was exciting or interesting. Truth is… I just… couldn’t write. Don’t ask me why. Because nothing makes sense. But, hey, I’ve never claimed to make sense, so, here we go!

After the most incredible Day 1, I could have expected to just relax for the next couple of days and be more than happy. I mean, really, have I said that I LOVED the concert? I did? Well, forgive me for repeating myself, because it was AWESOME!

But on our second day away, my lovely husband had other plans for us… Since we were out well past our bedtime πŸ™‚ and went to bed at around 5-5:30 am on Friday morning, we got up around lunchtime. Talked, laughed and made plans for our day. We decided to skip breakfast and move directly to lunch… Considering that by the time we left our hotel it was around 1:30 pm, it seemed like a good idea πŸ™‚

We went to our favorite hamburger joint in San Juan. (if you EVER think of coming to PR, please, please, please let me know so that I can tell you about this lovely place) It is always full, serves ONLY burgers with whatever cheese you want and the burgers are home-made and absolutely mouth-wateringly delicious (did I mention they are super inexpensive? Because they are! We payed less than $20 for the two of us – with tip). So, we had burgers and fries and went for a walk through Old San Juan.

We walked, laughed and talked while looking for a place to have some dessert. We settled on a little bakery where we had some sweets and coffee and then walked to the Tapia Theater and got ourselves tickets for a play! (Las Conquistas de Norman – En la Grama) After that, we went to the mall πŸ™‚ I was looking for a cover for my iPad (my wonderful husband was just humoring me – he had already bought me one!!!) so we walked the stores and talked and laughed some more.

We went to our hotel, bathed, changed and went to our play. It was quite a night. A lovely play in a beautiful theater. Wonderful company and Old San Juan. We walked and talked after the play. It seemed like a magical evening.

We never really found a place where we wanted to eat… So, we ended up getting Mcnuggets on our way back to the hotel. Klassy, huh!? πŸ™‚ They were delicious, though, and we had a blast.

Day 3 was just wonderful as well.

We started off with breakfast at a lovely restaurant in a little boutique hotel across the street. The place was absolutely gorgeous. Quaint and cozy and it looked like we were stepping into a magazine.

After checking out, we went to another mall (of course I was still looking for my iPad cover – πŸ™‚ ). While there, my husband took me to a salon, and I got a -much needed- hair cut. It was lovely. I felt incredible. He also surprised me with a gorgeous pair of swarovski crystal earrings when I walked out and we had lunch at my favorite Pasta place. I truly couldn’t have asked for a better getaway.

It’s that time again…

I shared this last year… It’s time again…

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).

I wanted to share this website, please watch the video. It’s very touching and oh, so very real. Again, just watch the video…

http://www.tearsandhope.com/

And, I’ll just add this video, again, for good measure.

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