Wordless Wednesday.

Not much to add to that.

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NaBloPoMo 2011

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November 1st

Hey!

I won’t even try the apologetic introductions. I keep saying no one reads this, but truly, those that do, don’t care for an apology.

So, therapy. I’m here.

I’ve been thinking a lot. And stewing. And stressing. And being annoyed. And then drowning in a sea of self doubt and indecision.

Being annoyed is so unattractive and unsettling. Specially when you always get annoyed at the same things and then do absolutely nothing about it.

Something as simple as telling someone to mind their own business seems so daunting and scary.

So, you sit and stew and continue to be annoyed while people just go on being their judgmental selves, completely unaware.

And. Breathe!

I can’t change others. But I can work on myself and work on controlling my reactions to them.

It is HARD. I’ve been semi successful before, but it’s taken time and hard work. But, I will try again. If only for my sanity.

I will try to make the next few posts a lot more positive. I just needed to get the fuzz out tonight.

Sigh.

I’m here.

Yay.

Word Vomit

Confused Brain...

Confused Brain...

Such a horrible title for a post, I know. But it is truly what this is going to be. My mind seems to be filled with thoughts that don’t want to come loose and I just figured I’d lay them all out to see if they’ll let me be.

I pondered naming it something different, but really, word vomit is all it really is. Getting it all out to see if my head can settle and my shoulders can stop feeling like rocks for once.

I try to work on changing the things I don’t like about myself and even though I’ve never been able to lose all the weight or wake up just a little earlier so that I can do some cardio before breakfast, in my list of priorities, I try to work on the things I can handle. It is not uncommon for me to feel like a failure. How could I not? My ADD is severe to the point where losing interest is a part of life for me. My mind goes off in tangents constantly, firing off much faster than I can react.

But… Some things? Some things come easily to me. Even though most people would never know. I love easily and intensely. I hate intolerance. I cannot stand prejudices and I can put up a fight like you wouldn’t believe. I’m curious, to a fault. Please never mention anything to me that you don’t wish to explain or expand upon. I will hunt you down and make your life miserable until you tell me. I am sentimental, full of stress, smarter than you think; I can remember things you’d wish I forget. But at the same time, you’d be surprised at how much I can forgive.

I am different. I know everyone is. But for some of us? Those differences make others judge us harshly and jump to conclusions that are completely wrong and painful. The differences make me want to scream sometimes. I’m antisocial, I’m lazy and I take many everyday things much less seriously than those around me do.

I am weak in ways that make me angry and strong in many other ways. I am lucky. I am blessed. I am crazy and there are many things that would surprise you about me.

I am happily married and my husband is not only wonderful, but he also gets me. Sometimes, he gets me better than I get myself. It is wonderful and scary and there is nothing better. No, he’s not perfect, but neither am I. So, it’s perfect that we get each other and perfect that we love each other.

This isn’t exactly new for me. I’ve always felt different and out of place. The truth is that with time, I’ve learned to look past it all and cherish the different in me. But it’s hard. It’s especially hard when there are no words to explain what you’re feeling. When you’re desperate but there’s a knot in your throat that keeps sound from coming out. There’s a disconnect between your thoughts and your feelings and your mind and there is no way on Earth to tell anyone just what it is you’re feeling, what you’re thinking even. The connection is severed and the pain goes untreated.

It’s easier, I’ve found, for words to flow through writing. Easier, but not perfect. Just because I’m writing doesn’t mean the words are adequate to express what I’m thinking and feeling. There are words, which are a definite improvement, but they are not enough. My neck and shoulders are stiff and sore, my hands are too cold, my head hurts, my forehead hurts to the touch and my mind is confused, tired and annoyed.

So, that’s that for now… My brain has stalled and refuses to cooperate. My mind is requesting rest and the rest of me is just plain ready to move on. So, yes, let’s move on to True Blood and Game of Thrones…

Hate Music

Hate music was a topic amongst my husband and friends this past weekend. It has remained in my thoughts since then…

You should all be afraid. I’m writing a post about music. For anyone that knows me, that may be a scary prospect. I’m a child of the 80’s and terribly so. You would not be wrong to assume that in terms of music? My iPhone might as well be a walkman. OK, ok, a Discman. I was too much a child of the 80’s DURING the 80’s, so, that should be scary.

However, Hate Music knows no age, it knows no time and it most definitely knows no music genre. So, even though my personal taste (or lack thereof) and style will show in this post, it has nothing to do with what this is all about.

We all have our personal battles. Some are large, some are small and some days just getting out of bed is a triumph in itself. Music is more than just a soundtrack to our lives. Just like in movies, it can make a mood, it can break the mood, and it can set the mood. I’m a bit of a sentimental myself (let’s not comment on that, mmmmmkay?) and music can definitely help set my mood.

Hate music is a very special part of that. It doesn’t HAVE to be a song ABOUT hate. It means something different to every single person, but I’m sure most of us have that ONE song. That ONE song that we blast in the car when we’re angry and SCREAM AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS (was that just me? – never mind) to absolutely no one. The lyrics don’t necessarily HAVE to match the situation. As a matter of fact, a GOOD hate song can be molded to match our mood. Taken out of context to help us let go. It’s a release. It’s animal and it just ROCKS. It’s an empowering feeling to just let go.

I have more than one hate song. Depending on the mood, only one will be necessary or enough. On some occasions, a whole hate playlist is needed, and they all come out to play. But even though I have more than one, there is always THE one. THE common one that is always the first to be played, the first to be added and in some cases, the one that is placed on repeat all the way to work and back. Ahem. Yeah… obsessive much? Me? NO!

MY one true definite hate song definitely shows my age, but, it’s classic… My favorite hate song is…

Poison by Alice Cooper

Let’s just think about this for a minute. Is there ANY better hate song?! Yes, I know you will defend your own, but, hear me out here, have there EVER been better hate lyrics than:

“I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name”

Sigh. You don’t EVEN have to scream them at anyone! But, truthfully, this song has been with me since ’89, so, in some cases, I *may* have just sang them AT you. No hard feelings, right? 🙂

It’s perfect. Alice Cooper, in the words of one of my best friends, can make any song seem angry. It’s my go to song and it will start AND finish any hate song playlist.

But…there are other songs in that playlist. Let’s visit just a few today…

Just like a Pill by Pink

Outstanding lyrics? The whole song. However, if you need to know, just check out the chorus.

Run just as fast as I can

To the middle of nowhere

To the middle of my frustrated fears

And I swear you’re just like a pill

Instead of making me better, you keep making me ill.

Go ahead, scream it out loud for a moment, it will help!

Going back to the roots and changing it up?

Who will you run to? by Heart

This is a really outstanding HATE song. Come on?! Check some of the lyrics:

You’re not sure what you want to do with your life

But you sure don’t want me in it

Yeah you’re sure the life you’re living with me

Can’t go on one single minute

And there’s a new one waiting outside this door

And now it’s time to begin it…

And the chorus?!

Who will you run to when it all falls down?

Who’s gonna pick your world up off the ground?

Who’s gonna take away the tears you cry?

Who’s gonna love you baby as good as I?

I could go on! It’s a perfect song.

And in a side note, why are most hate songs about love? Because they fit? Because it’s mostly what we struggle with? I’m VERY happily married and it’s very weird that MOST of the time I use these hate songs, my worries have NOTHING to do with my darling husband. It’s strange, yes, but I can even make THOSE lyrics about something else. Don’t ask. 🙂

What? I know my songs show my age. But, what of it?! They are awesome songs. They work their magic and they’ve stood the test of time.

NEXT!?

The Hand that feeds by Nine inch Nails

This one works from the beginning:

You’re keeping in step in the line

Got your chin held high and you feel just fine

‘cause you do what you’re told

But inside your heart it is black and it’s hollow and it’s cold

And it goes on. The chorus rocks, as does the rhythm itself.

As I said, it’s not about the lyrics (even when they ROCK) it’s a combination of the music and the lyrics and what it all means to you. It just works for you. And that’s all that matters. It’s a personal thing.

The last one I’m going to share is a double edged sword. Why? Because if you EVER want to just LAUGH at me for a good long while, you can just invite me over to your house to play Rock Band. I will sing until you throw me out. You will hate me, but you will laugh. And do you know when you will laugh the loudest?

When you ask me to sing the last hate song on my playlist that I’m sharing today…

Epic by Faith no more

Because, you know, me, kind of rapping? Is Epic-ly BAD. But this song, it’s like whoa. Some lyrics you say?

You want it all but you can’t have it

It’s in your face but you can’t grab it

I know. It’s different. But as I said, it’s not about the lyrics or even the song; it’s about what it does to you and how it makes you feel. Empowerment, baby! And, yes, I give you permission to laugh at imagining me singing that song. (Especially those of you that don’t NEED to imagine, since you’ve SEEN me!)

(Just in case you were wondering, it all goes back to Poison, ALWAYS!)

So, what is YOUR hate song? Oh, come on, you know you have one! It’s a mood, a feeling, a full out release that makes you feel alive and angry and like you can just tackle the world. Let’s tackle the world! Now excuse me while I go blast Poison again.

Feeling alone in a room full of people…

Image from asinglepointofview.com

We hear it all the time and, most of the time, we’re surprised at who we hear it FROM. Someone who seems to have it all together. Someone who exudes confidence and popularity. Someone who you look up to because she seems like such an extrovert, so sociable, so… NOT like YOU. And then you wonder… Is she really how you imagine her to be? Or do you just see her that way? Can she play it off so well that you (and most people around her) are tricked into believing that that is who she is? Is it possible that her house is not perfect? That she is afraid to talk to you? That she is feeling just as lonely as you are?

But how can that be? She has everything! She has it all! You have much to be thankful for, but you don’t have all that she has! You’re the one that is lacking, NOT her! How could that be?

I’m not a blogger, but I’m a blog-follower. I love all kinds of blogs and in time I’ve come to LOVE mommy bloggers. It’s ironic, yes, but it’s true. I thoroughly enjoy reading about their lives, sharing their joys and crying along with them when things just don’t go as planned. This past week, when a lot of my favorites were off at Blogher, I was living vicariously through them. Reading their tweets, looking forward to their pictures and recap blog posts. Part of me DREAMS of going to NYC next year and just fan-girling myself to all of those women I admire. As I read their tweets, it was great to realize how alike we really are. It’s wonderful to learn that this world of social media has brought so many very lovely, awkward women the opportunity to share their common ground to the point where we stand together, where a group of us can meet and greet each other with that little “I know who you are!” squee and receive a hug back from someone just as surprised as you.

It’s lovely because it gives me hope.

I’ve felt lonely a long time, many times in a room full of (LOVING) people. I’ve relied (heavily) on my husband for the support that I just so desperately wanted. And then, one lonely night, I was playing around in an internet forum. Just playing in the background, trying to be invisible in a place I’d been to every day for years. But this night was different, different because a wonderful woman spoke to me and said “Why don’t you come out and play?”. After that? I met what would become my backbone and (I’m sure) a relief to my overburdened husband. I never participated heavily, but just their presence calmed me. SOMEONE understood me! How I felt, what I was going through, why I felt the way I felt… And, even better, it was not just one person, but a group of very versatile, fun, funny, snarky, beautiful women who filled my life with understanding. Yes, on the internet. Women I now call friends. Isn’t it odd?

Readingabout all the Blogher experiences just gives me hope. Because I DO count those women I’ve met as friends. Many people would disagree, I’m sure. To many, the idea of meeting like minds that you can call “friends” online is still taboo. But I’ve become a believer. The support and community that can be created online is priceless. At times when I’m drowning and it feels like NO ONE can understand me, those women bring me back. I’ve learned you can love someone you’ve never met. You can pray for her, for her child, cry for her, feel your heart swell with happiness and pride at their joyous moments, feel it swell with sorrow when they are going through rough times. And it is real. And it is friendship and community. Even when you’ve never seen her face to face or held her hand.

Family is a gift! It’s beautiful and wonderful and the unconditional love is healing.

Friendships built in such common ground are just as beautiful and just as healing and can be filled with just as much love.

So, in the wonderful world of social media… We can be all alone in a room and still feel surrounded by a community full of loving people.

Another Wordless Wednesday

Me! Monday #2

I'm just sort of hiding.

This is one of those vague-but not really- kind of posts.

As I work on me, it may sound like all I’m doing is being selfish, selfish and more selfish. If anything, one of the things I’m sick of IS being selfish. Being self involved, surrounded by nasty self pity, keeping myself alone and wallowing in that pit of despair without looking up to *really* appreciate how blessed I am… All of that? It kept -keeps – me isolated. It’s a sickness. And it sucks.

Sadly, even becoming aware of some of the issues does not help me deal with them. Of course, I’m thankful for being more aware, but I’m not sure I have what it takes to promote the change. I feel weak against the onslaught of emotions that would result from making all the changes that would be required. I know I could start small, work my way out. Truly? I’m not even sure I’m up for even that. Yet.

The weight on my chest that makes it hard to take a real, necessary DEEP breath? It’s still there. I’m forced to take shallow breaths.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, I’m being selfish and stupid. I know that I’m LUCKY. I know all of that.

It’s still hard. Knowing really doesn’t help change how I feel. Knowing doesn’t make my pain any easier. It just fills my heart with another layer of pain – guilt. As I’m working on myself, I’m trying to scrape those layers off. Trying to get to the raw center and cause of the intense pain. Yet, it’s not easy. For every two steps forward? It feels as if I am forced/pushed at least one step back.

When I was growing up, I made plans for my future. What I wanted to do, where I wanted to go and of course, what it would take to get there. I second guessed myself a lot, but, I worked towards those goals anyway. I was blessed to have a family who loved and believed in me and helped me get to where I needed to be. But, you know what? Some plans? They weren’t so hard! While some things required planning, hard work, studying, etc, etc. Others? In my mind, they were a given. They would just BE. No one ever NEEDED to plan for THOSE. I’d seen it! That’s how it was! Those? They would just BE! And those? They were the definition of what I wanted for my future. Of what I was sure I was born to be. Big words. What I thought I was born to be. So, if I’m not that. Who am I? Everything else? Was supposed to be preparation. Getting ready.

But life? Silly thing. It really doesn’t care what plans you make. Life? It plans itself for you. And… What do you do when life has something totally different planned? Well, in my case? I became angry. I don’t like anger, so it became sadness. Pain. Extreme pain. And guilt.

I became a tantruming 13 year old. Locked in my room because I couldn’t, wouldn’t get my way. Honestly, I don’t even know what life has planned for me. I covered my ears and closed my eyes and I just keep repeating “I don’t care what it is! I had my plans! I want THIS! Everyone, even without asking, even without wanting it, gets THIS! THIS is what I want. Give it to me! NOW!” over and over. It felt like torture. And, locked in that place? All I saw was others getting IT. Easily, even hard. But always, always passing me by. And the pain? It grew to monumental proportions.

And now? I’m trying to uncover my ears, open my eyes and listen. I’m trying to look. I’m trying to see what life really has in store for me. I’m fighting that voice in the back of my head. The voice that says “no matter what it is, it will NEVER be as good as what you wanted”. I’m fighting it. Being locked in that tantrum? It only allowed life to pass me by. It made me miss out on so many wonderful things. So many blessings that I do have. It strained relationships, it made me stay in the anger cycle. It was unhealthy.

Now? I’ll be honest, I’m scared. I am afraid that I’ll just slip back and miss this chance. I’m scared that I won’t have many more chances. But… I’m working on that fear and I’m trying to use it. I’m trying to allow the truth to shine through. I may not love what I’ll find. I’ll be prejudiced to believe that my way was the only way. But, in being open, I have to believe that a different path may be better. No, that in the long run, it WILL be better.

Now? I need to be patient with myself. It’s not easy for me. I can be patient with others. Not so much with myself. And I need to be open to learning and accept that throughout this process, not everyone will understand. I’m being more open for the first time. In doing so, I’m allowing others to be spectators, others who have opinions. Others who will misinterpret my thoughts and actions. Others who clearly don’t understand where I’m coming from.

So. Why do it? Why allow myself to be exposed through this harsh, painful process? Well, that answer is easy. Two reasons. Number one is purely selfish. The reason I’m on this path is because someone took the time to notice that I was headed towards disaster. Sharing this? It brings support and help from totally unexpected sources. I need and want that. Number two is less selfish. If by writing this I can help just one person know they are not alone, I will have payed it forward. That also makes it all worthwhile.

There are two other reasons. If I will be honest. Those who misunderstand? They mostly mean well. Two? I would like to be able to come back someday and know where I was.

I think that’s it for this Monday. That was quite an emotional post. I’ll just end it with a few quotes. Just so you see what I’m working with.

“When you refuse to pay attention to what life is saying to you, life will make its point very clear. Life wants us to be aware of ourselves so we can make the necessary adjustments to live more harmoniously.”

“You do not have to like what is going on in your life, but you must accept that it, whatever it is, is going on. As long as you do not accept reality, you are powerless to define the role you will play. Failure to accept reality is a denial of your power to make a conscious choice. When you do not choose, you live by default.”

“Acceptance is knowing that no matter what, everything is and will be just fine.”

“Accepting a thing does not mean you approve of what is going on.”

“Acceptance means you are able to withdraw the emotional attachment just long enough to really see what is happening.”

“When you accept the reality of your life, thereby demonstrating your willingness to make a conscious choice, you honor the wisdom, strength, and tenacity of the divine spirit within you.”

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