Wow, March already!

I sometimes ask myself why I have a blog.

Why do I keep it?

My blog is not about monetizing. It’s not even about gaining readers. It’s about having an outlet. A place to be real or silly or crazy. For me.

 But then, I start to evaluate my use of it. How most of my words stay locked in my head for good. Always.

 Most of my best ideas and thoughts get censored without making it to my fingers or even my lips. Why do I censor myself if this is a place for me?

 My mind? She doesn’t want conflict. She doesn’t want hurt. She doesn’t want to cause any of these things. And she? Is the boss of me. Always has been.

 It seems sometimes that I’m mute when I most want to speak. That I’m at a loss for words when all I want to do is speak out. That I’m gagged before I can even realize what happened.

 It’s horrifying sometimes. Like I have someone inside me that is in control and pulling all the strings.

 I have no idea how, but I’ve let loose more in Twitter and Pinterest. Maybe the 140 characters are easier to sneak by without the constant “delete” and “backspace” that make up most of my blog post writing moments. Or maybe that “Re-Pin” button is too quick for my mind to grasp and stop.

 The politically correct individual that’s in charge of me is maddening. She feels like she’s torturing me most of the time. The totally different and fun and scary (sometimes, it’s the truth) REAL me gets locked away. Here’s where I become all lovey-dovey wife again. My husband? He takes her out to play. He doesn’t let the bitchy censor get her way. But how? He’s learned to plan without asking me first. And I am FOREVER grateful for that fact.

 Me? I’ve gone snorkeling, I’ve ridden a helicopter, I’ve toured on a SEGWAY, I’ve jet-skied… SO much more… and? I’ve LOVED it. EVERY single second of it. If he’d listened to the censor bitch? I would have NO fun things to speak of.

 What does this jumbled mess mean? I need to do things more. I need to stop letting the fear and the censorship rule my life. I’m 37. WOW, 37. So much to do. So little time.

 So many things to say. So useless to censor.

 Sigh.

 Today? It’s Friday. And I’m wearing butterflies. And my toenails are painted dark gray. And I love it. Have a WONDERFUL weekend and don’t censor yourself. It’s not worth it.

Wednesday. November 30!!!!!!!

Wow!

I did it! Let’s throw streamers and confetti, please!

Thirty days. Thirty posts. Lots of fluff, images and not so awesome content. But, 30 posts! I DID IT!

WOW! It’s incredible and awesome. No matter what I did it. Now? The hard part is to keep up with posting without the incentive of completing this task.

It’ll be hard. I tell you. I have a problem with concentration. But I’m going to try to post with some regularity. For me. 🙂

Let’s party now. Tomorrow? December starts! A month for baking and parties and lots and lots of fun! Let the party continue.

Tuesday battles… Only one more day of November left…

Tomorrow is the last day of this month of posting.

Even though I was successful in posting every day, I know I really wasn’t successful.

Most posts were fluff.

At least now I know I can post everyday. However, I may need to try this again soon, since I want some actual content to be involved.

See? My mind is constantly doing that.

I cannot concentrate on having posted for 29 continuous days. I need to hate the fact that my content wasn’t what I wanted it to be.

I cannot allow myself one small victory.

I need to dwell on its imperfections.

Guilt is my constant companion on this journey. I am not good enough, I am not doing enough, I am not worthy. I SHOULD be like…

You know. Constantly. It’s a never ending struggle. I want to get off. I keep trying to get off that path. I have good days. Busy happy days. I am SO eternally blessed.

But I can’t shake it.

Powerless.

Give up. That’s what I always want to do. Giving up sounds easy and it would take away all of the pain and pressure. Or so my mind would have me believe. Giving up would only bring a second layer of guilt. As it’s done before. Guilt is not my friend, as I’ve said. So, hard as it may be… Even if the fight goes on forever, giving up is not an option.

The train is coming.

Let’s take a breath.

Rejoice in the good.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Oh, Monday…

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I can’t write today.

Monday does terrible things to me. I SHOULD be happy. I had a wonderful weekend, spent time with family and friends, BAKED!!! and even rested. Yet, today, all of my inspiration is negative words and negative feelings. I. Will. Not. Allow. It.

Not today.

I hope you’re having a good day.

Saturday at the caves…

We had a wonderful day. Great friends, LOTS of laughs, a scaredy cat or two and, obviously absolutely breathtaking sites. It was a wonderful day out and I am still smiling from the experience. The pictures are amazing. But they don’t even do the experience justice.

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