Me! Monday

I had a dream this past Saturday. I was a “blogger”! I even had specific posts I did for every day of the week and you guys?!? The blogging? It made me happy! Crazy, huh? The dream had nothing to do with anyone actually reading my blog, it had a lot to do with how blogging made me feel. The healing power it had.

It’s incredible that my dreams are speaking to me now. I guess that since I’ve done my fair share of ignoring what I know to be good for me, my mind and everything good in this Universe keep finding alternate ways to reach me.

On this dream, Mondays were Me! Mondays. The day where I only wrote about myself. Anything and everything.

And so, I figured, today will be Me! Monday. We’ll see if I keep it up, though.

This weekend, I had me a Girls Afternoon Out. Just three great friends and I. We went to a cheesy girly movie. (Beastly – the things I liked about it? Neil Patrick Harris and Mary Kate Olsen- yes, that’s it!)

Ok, so it wasn’t awful. But, that’s not important! The important thing was the therapeutic effect of being out with girls. Giggling uncontrollably, laughing at anything and everything and just hanging out. It was great. It was healing. It felt good! (I might have abandoned my husband for this expedition, but it was all his fault! He recommended some silly girl time – gotta love him! 🙂

I don’t think I ever “get it” that I deserve good things. Every day I thank God for my husband, my family and my friends. In my mind, their love for me is an undeserved gift. No matter how many times my husband scolded me, telling me how wrong I was to not see the good in myself, I just couldn’t see it. It’s not that I didn’t believe him, I just thought that his love for me was blinding. That it didn’t let him see the truth that I so clearly knew. That I was broken. That I wasn’t good enough. That it was all just a fluke.

But. Something is changing. Someone told me that I’m not broken. My first response? Ja! What do you know!? Because, of course, my first response is usually to sabotage myself. But, I kept reading. And, you know what? It’s all true. If I keep believing that I’m broken, I’ll never be whole.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m perfect! Far from it! I’ve got lots of learning and growing and healing to do. But, I now know. My husband? A genius! He wasn’t lying to me. How blind was I? I never lie when I speak of how amazing and smart and talented and funny and handsome (ok, I’ll stop! 😉 he is. And my love for him is huge! And growing every day. So, why was it okay for me to think that HIS love had blinded him? Why couldn’t he be as truthful as I was. Well, because I was keeping myself down. I was down, I still am in many ways, but I was kicking myself while I was down there! Keeping myself down and not allowing myself to come up, not even for air.

And now? I am trying to stop kicking. Consciously so. Some days? I kick ass!!! Others? I kick myself. But! I’m working, recognizing, growing. Coming out of my shell and making myself uncomfortable in the process. But, you know what? It’s GREAT! Being out of my comfort zone? Hard!

But Feeling better? It makes it all worth it.

So that was a Monday about Me!

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