This is one of those vague-but not really- kind of posts.
As I work on me, it may sound like all I’m doing is being selfish, selfish and more selfish. If anything, one of the things I’m sick of IS being selfish. Being self involved, surrounded by nasty self pity, keeping myself alone and wallowing in that pit of despair without looking up to *really* appreciate how blessed I am… All of that? It kept -keeps – me isolated. It’s a sickness. And it sucks.
Sadly, even becoming aware of some of the issues does not help me deal with them. Of course, I’m thankful for being more aware, but I’m not sure I have what it takes to promote the change. I feel weak against the onslaught of emotions that would result from making all the changes that would be required. I know I could start small, work my way out. Truly? I’m not even sure I’m up for even that. Yet.
The weight on my chest that makes it hard to take a real, necessary DEEP breath? It’s still there. I’m forced to take shallow breaths.
I know that in the grand scheme of things, I’m being selfish and stupid. I know that I’m LUCKY. I know all of that.
It’s still hard. Knowing really doesn’t help change how I feel. Knowing doesn’t make my pain any easier. It just fills my heart with another layer of pain – guilt. As I’m working on myself, I’m trying to scrape those layers off. Trying to get to the raw center and cause of the intense pain. Yet, it’s not easy. For every two steps forward? It feels as if I am forced/pushed at least one step back.
When I was growing up, I made plans for my future. What I wanted to do, where I wanted to go and of course, what it would take to get there. I second guessed myself a lot, but, I worked towards those goals anyway. I was blessed to have a family who loved and believed in me and helped me get to where I needed to be. But, you know what? Some plans? They weren’t so hard! While some things required planning, hard work, studying, etc, etc. Others? In my mind, they were a given. They would just BE. No one ever NEEDED to plan for THOSE. I’d seen it! That’s how it was! Those? They would just BE! And those? They were the definition of what I wanted for my future. Of what I was sure I was born to be. Big words. What I thought I was born to be. So, if I’m not that. Who am I? Everything else? Was supposed to be preparation. Getting ready.
But life? Silly thing. It really doesn’t care what plans you make. Life? It plans itself for you. And… What do you do when life has something totally different planned? Well, in my case? I became angry. I don’t like anger, so it became sadness. Pain. Extreme pain. And guilt.
I became a tantruming 13 year old. Locked in my room because I couldn’t, wouldn’t get my way. Honestly, I don’t even know what life has planned for me. I covered my ears and closed my eyes and I just keep repeating “I don’t care what it is! I had my plans! I want THIS! Everyone, even without asking, even without wanting it, gets THIS! THIS is what I want. Give it to me! NOW!” over and over. It felt like torture. And, locked in that place? All I saw was others getting IT. Easily, even hard. But always, always passing me by. And the pain? It grew to monumental proportions.
And now? I’m trying to uncover my ears, open my eyes and listen. I’m trying to look. I’m trying to see what life really has in store for me. I’m fighting that voice in the back of my head. The voice that says “no matter what it is, it will NEVER be as good as what you wanted”. I’m fighting it. Being locked in that tantrum? It only allowed life to pass me by. It made me miss out on so many wonderful things. So many blessings that I do have. It strained relationships, it made me stay in the anger cycle. It was unhealthy.
Now? I’ll be honest, I’m scared. I am afraid that I’ll just slip back and miss this chance. I’m scared that I won’t have many more chances. But… I’m working on that fear and I’m trying to use it. I’m trying to allow the truth to shine through. I may not love what I’ll find. I’ll be prejudiced to believe that my way was the only way. But, in being open, I have to believe that a different path may be better. No, that in the long run, it WILL be better.
Now? I need to be patient with myself. It’s not easy for me. I can be patient with others. Not so much with myself. And I need to be open to learning and accept that throughout this process, not everyone will understand. I’m being more open for the first time. In doing so, I’m allowing others to be spectators, others who have opinions. Others who will misinterpret my thoughts and actions. Others who clearly don’t understand where I’m coming from.
So. Why do it? Why allow myself to be exposed through this harsh, painful process? Well, that answer is easy. Two reasons. Number one is purely selfish. The reason I’m on this path is because someone took the time to notice that I was headed towards disaster. Sharing this? It brings support and help from totally unexpected sources. I need and want that. Number two is less selfish. If by writing this I can help just one person know they are not alone, I will have payed it forward. That also makes it all worthwhile.
There are two other reasons. If I will be honest. Those who misunderstand? They mostly mean well. Two? I would like to be able to come back someday and know where I was.
I think that’s it for this Monday. That was quite an emotional post. I’ll just end it with a few quotes. Just so you see what I’m working with.
“When you refuse to pay attention to what life is saying to you, life will make its point very clear. Life wants us to be aware of ourselves so we can make the necessary adjustments to live more harmoniously.”
“You do not have to like what is going on in your life, but you must accept that it, whatever it is, is going on. As long as you do not accept reality, you are powerless to define the role you will play. Failure to accept reality is a denial of your power to make a conscious choice. When you do not choose, you live by default.”
“Acceptance is knowing that no matter what, everything is and will be just fine.”
“Accepting a thing does not mean you approve of what is going on.”
“Acceptance means you are able to withdraw the emotional attachment just long enough to really see what is happening.”
“When you accept the reality of your life, thereby demonstrating your willingness to make a conscious choice, you honor the wisdom, strength, and tenacity of the divine spirit within you.”